This is how I would have reacted if Vampire Weekend’s “Modern Vampires of the City” did not win “Best Alternative Music Album” at this year’s Grammy Awards.
First, I would have pulled every piece of clothing off every hanger in my closet. Upon organizing this huge lump of clothes into one massive pile, I would’ve attempted to try to roll it up into a ball and kick it down the stairs before using it to create a bright and stinky bonfire in my front yard. This would have been my way of stating that if the Grammys couldn’t acknowledge good music, I was going to spend the rest of my life not acknowledging clothing.
While my pile of clothes was burning, I would’ve gone back into my house to retrieve a bag of marshmallows. Upon roasting and shoving as many marshmallows as I could into my mouth, I would have been using my other hand to Google meaningful charities, preferably “Donate to the Awesome Band Known as Vampire Weekend So They Can Have a Fake Grammy Manufactured to Replace the Real One That They Should Have Won But Didn’t for Absolutely No Explanatory Reason Available to Mankind.”
Then I would have donated my entire life savings to that charity via PayPal. Upon transferring those funds, I would have purchased 50,000 copies of “Modern Vampires of the City” with the help of my credit card. I would have distributed those copies for free during a road trip across Pennsylvania, Ohio, West Virginia and Maryland in an effort to enlighten and enrich the lives of people whose ears had not yet been blessed by Vampire Weekend’s latest gem of an album.
When I would have ran out of gas somewhere near a creepy motel, I would have called “Rolling Stone” magazine, shared with them my story and told them that they were right to have named “Modern Vampires of the City” the best album of 2013, and now will somebody please take pity on me because the only thing left to eat in my car is a gum wrapper and quite possibly my Twitter account.
Fiction, poetry, and all that good stuff . . .